It feels like my life has run out of ambition. I no longer am capable of working hard; I no longer feel I'm working towards a possible happy end. Everything I write down is trivial. The hard work doesn't pay off. The hard work doesn't conclude to a logical, practical end. It feels that after school I fell off a boat and landed in the wrong place. I wake up mornings feeling like I made all the wrong decisions for the past nine years. I always transport myself back to 2001 when I was faced with the decision of choosing which direction my life would be heading. I chose the social sciences and arts when I should've chosen science or technology or any other art that isn't "social". And then two planes flew into two towers and now I'm here.
I am an anti-social creature. I never leave home for a reason. I never have to leave home. When I'm in a place with lots of people - a bar, a club, a place where people let everything hang out - I'm terrified.
Finding a job is difficult and the process of looking is daunting. I no longer feel capable of doing anything unique and special. I've been drained of being driven. I forget things I thought about five seconds ago in less than five seconds. Nothing seems worthwhile.
I have a violent shyness. The thought of going out there on Monday to the schools to "show my face" in order to increase job prospects is weighing on me. I'm scared. I feel helpless. I am going insane. My mind is a box of post-it-notes writ with philosophical quips. I pull one out every so often for moral guidance and a quick hit of confidence.
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Things will get better, man. Hard work and focused intention really helps - being motivated to have that intention is the hard part I guess.
ReplyDeleteI would recommend travel, if you can afford it... hell, even being a tourist in your own town for a day can be inspiring and eye-opening in unexpected ways.