Monday, February 15, 2010

Dear John Movie Review

A Dear John Review
By: Mean Mr. Mustardapple

1 star of 5 for having Amanda Seyfried

Dear John
Now that you're gone, you're probably over there, defusing IED bombs in Iraqi Synagogues
Synogogues in Iraq
I have to get together my facts, or I'll be just as bad as your movie, speaking of bad
Anyway, you made a really crappy movie
It failed to move me, or the old lady in the seat right next to me;
oh wait, that's my granny, G.
She doesn't looking a thing like Amanda Seyfried, who's the only reason I came to see this piece of shit for a movie, and you telling she doesn't show off her tities, excuse me?
It's like my dog's breath's smelly, the way I see your future Channing
I don't need to rhyme 'rhyme' with time to mine how bad this movie did in my city
Oh, well, it knocked Avatar from the top
Nicholas Sparks gotsa crop of novels locked up and ready to set up shop in movie studio lots
Love stories, no matter how crappy, make young'uns happy, make the girls give up the nappy, make for Fox Cops rape stories
But back to your movie
The pacing was all fuzzy
And the script so bad it made the words come out all funny
Embarassing and boring, opposite of soaring, but it made me and my popcorn, plus granny all horny
4 sho G

Dear John
Now that you're gone
A grassful of fauns are play croquette on Amanda's front lawn
Waiting for her to give it up to some Faun's long John'SON!
Report to duty, make beds and chichen legs with Guacamole, plus Ravioli
And I know she pretty but dude, no titties, seriously! Forgive me!
That really is a pitty, a giddy kitty sitting on a boat floating down the Liffy,
My city's good looking bunnies hook in taverns, bars, and alleys
I know you're out there fighting for your country
But your beach scenes are embarassing
Your father never loved you and he lives like a hermit
But all he needs is a strumpet to tell you how much he loves you, fuck it!
That's a bad father right there, he ain't even yet drunk kid
All he ever does is sit there and jackoff to his toolkit
Now I know getting a blowie is very convincing
But licking a dickie doesn't mean long-lasting loving, honey
And why you gotta go all the way back to Iraq
When the woman you loving loves you right back
And, shit, you don't need a G.I. to have you back
Sit back and slide your nose and your head between her nice thighs,
you'll be fine, sublime... PEACE

Anways... not worth seeing partly because it had no Jeremy Renner. PEACE.

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